Oh how life can take us places.
Little did I know that for a period of my 2019 I would be taken to one of the darkest, most isolated places I’ve ever been. Never did I ever expect to experience a deep depressive state first hand. Never did I ever expect to lose friendships from just wanting to be alone. Never did I ever expect my entire life to warp into what it had become. Daily normality became difficult. Often I’d wonder how many days in a row it would be that I moved from couch to bed to couch again. Ignoring friends texts and calls. Embarrassed for not practicing what I once preached. Burying myself further into a pit of sadness. Slowly becoming my own worst enemy. Avoiding everything to do with presence and responsibility.
There isn’t exactly one event or one specific moment that triggered this situation, however looking back there were a linkage of times I had remembered not being true to myself and to others which manifested into a burnt out spirit. I felt depleted and empty.
I was working in an industry that made me extremely sad, miserable and unheard. A series of relationships bruised my self confidence and spiked my insecurities beyond belief. I felt very broken and uncomfortable for most of this year and it made me question who I was becoming and what I saw for myself going forward. There wasn’t an optimistic fibre in my being. Everyday was slow for a while and I felt extremely uneasy. It’s a very overwhelming yet equally numbing feeling.
It wasn’t until something greater came over me one morning. A pull from my bed. A miraculous slither of day light sparking an impulse for fresh air. Long story short I decided to start on a new journey to rebuild an identity that felt more true to who I am and who I want to be. Day by day I started to re shape my ideals, re create new habits, new patterns and new routines that felt more right and true to who I am which soon became stepping stones in the direction of a more happier, colourful life. Now, I live my days more fully. My work is far more meaningful and fulfilling to who I am as a person. The gratitude I feel is beyond words. There isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not marvelling in life’s beautiful simplicities. Truth is I’m a far better person now. My anxiety is at ease. My connections with myself and the people that surround me are much more enriching, soulful and honest. My sense of humour and ability to have genuine belly aching laughter every single day is something I hold far more precious. Every simple ordinary lights my soul on fire.
Honestly, doing the inner work is fucking hard but it’s necessary and the return is far more beneficial. Living from a place that is stagnant is not ‘living’, my friend. Life is flow and movement is important. Having purpose that sits true to you is what’s needed.
This whole experience has taught me many things but one that stands out the most is that your life is a string of the decisions you make each and every day. You really do choose your own destiny. You choose how you show up in this world. You make the decision to either suffer or live freely. You decide. And with those decisions that you make, you must make them more consciously. For yourself. Making better conscious decisions each and everyday will lead you to a life of good awareness. This we know is true.
I see life through a different lens now. Because I have chosen to show up for myself first before anything else. To lead from my heart more than from my head. It’s a nice place to be. I’m a lot more open to all things that come my way. Whether good or bad. With this, I am inevitably less overwhelmed with life’s curve balls or off days and I believe it’s owed to just being comfortable with who I am and who I am becoming at large.
Thank you to all those who held space for me this year. You touched my life in a way that I’m sure I’ve expressed my love for. But here’s another reminder of my gratitude.
2019 – most impactful year of my life so far
P x
